Note: This article will be published in an upcoming handbook for churches. Meanwhile, it is here for informational purposes.
OVERVIEW
Photo: Malibu Rose; credit: Debra J. Rigas
Some states and nations recognize same sex marriages of equal standing with opposite sex couples,
and some jurisdictions only recognize such ceremonies as civil unions. While marriage may be a legal
process, weddings are typically a sacred process - no matter the couple involved. Same-sex couples can
indeed choose to express their love publicly in either civil or religious ceremonies, legal or otherwise.
Not all gay and lesbian couples opt for marriage, even in states where it is now accepted.
Others want to hold a big event to let everyone know of their love. The socially correct guest will
restrain himself from bringing up legalities, and simply observe the proceedings or participate to their
comfort level if so requested.
The same-sex partners who invite you to their wedding celebration do so in hopes you will support their
coming together to experience a shared life, just like any other couple.
CEREMONIES
Photo: Church window; credit: Leon Brooks
As for any sacred ceremony, the people involved may wish to hold a small private event, or they may want
something elaborate to which they will invite hundreds of people.
The ceremony itself could involve simple document signing, or it could be like a full-length,
theatrical production replete with costumes and props. The couple will decide what they want to experience, and the invitation will
usually indicate what you can expect. If you receive an invitation, it is proper to have the courtesy to
respond even if you do not plan to attend, which would be best if you are at all offended by the idea of
same-sex marriage.
Some ceremonies are held at parks, banquet halls, beachside, or at historic inns or castles. Others are held in churches, such as
Unitarian Universalist, Metropolitan Community, and even some Episcopalian. The spirituality of the couple
will determine their choice of a church for a wedding, as there are many now across the United States and abroad that
are considered "open and affirming" and are not limited to the Christian faith. That means a member of the
clergy or a civil servant will conduct the service as for any heterosexual couple.
Photo: Castle by the Lake; credit: Jon Sullivan
In many ceremonies, the couples dress in bridal gowns or tuxedos, and that goes for either sex. You may see anything from Samurai outfits to kilts
and medieval gowns. If the invitation suggests that costumes are encouraged, do your best to comply.
While most gay or lesbian couples approve of it, it is sometimes safer not to address them as "bride and bride" or "groom and groom" unless
it is so indicated in the program or by the person presiding. The terms "hersband", husband, and wife
may also be heard with "spouse" or "life partner" , but make sure you only address the couple as they wish to be called.
As long as you are genuine and kind in your approach, most people will be fine with however you address them.
Vows are made, rings may be exchanged, and they are pronounced "a joined couple" before their friends,
guests and families. If they marry in a state where their couple-hood is deemed legal, they will be
pronounced "legally wed", at which time it is appropriate to smile broadly and applaud.
While the news media may pick outlandish segments of the same-sex population to focus upon, most gay and
lesbian couples lead "normal" lives, tending to households, raising children and running businesses. So, at
weddings, you are unlikely to experience anything more bizarre than seeing two people of the same gender kiss.
If this causes you discomfort, politely avert your eyes, and let the couple have their moment of great
happiness.
GENERALITIES
Photo: Wedding bouquet; credit: Rosendahl
At any marriage ceremony, those in attendance are expected to be considerate of the couple joining in
Holy Union. A gay wedding can be as solemn and beautiful as any other and should be met with the attention
and respect appropriate to the couple as well as to the location. The appropriate guest will arrive on time
and honor the process and the customs and traditions all will witness.
Invited guests to the marriage may include relatives, business associates and friends. Some of these
people will be members of the GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender) community. Others will be "straight"
or heterosexual. If they are invited, they are important to the couple getting married. Thus, all people in
attendance would benefit by simply respecting the presence of all gathered. Good etiquette at the ceremony
includes patient and quiet observation of the entire proceedings, and standing or sitting as indicated by
the program or person presiding. Good etiquette also means not ogling anyone who might be dressed in drag.
RECEPTIONS
Photo: Reception appetizer; credit: Debra J. Rigas
Many couples will have a reception immediately following their wedding ceremony. Sometimes, a couple will
choose to have a small private ceremony, and guests will only be invited to the reception. Either way, if there
is a receiving line, act as is customary at any wedding. Simply walk through the line, congratulating the
members of the wedding party.
Traditional receptions will include a meal, dancing and music, speeches and well-wishes for the couple,
cake-cutting, and ring-admiring. Take your seat, mingle with other guests, dine and celebrate as you would
at any other gathering of polite society.
It is also considered good etiquette to acknowledge musicians or singers, and the person who conducted the
ceremony--be it minister, spiritual authority, ship's captain, or justice of the peace--if they are still
present afterward, and you actually witnessed the ceremony.
CONSIDERATIONS
Photo: Flowers and bouquet; credit: Jon Sullivan
The decision to marry is never taken lightly. Marriage ceremonies come with the same challenging list
of planning requirements for same-sex couples as for straight couples. Everyone wants the ceremony to turn
out beautifully. If you have ever been married,
recall how you felt on your own wedding day. It is the happiness of the moment that matters.
No matter who you are, or what your own sexual orientation may be, just remember the couple getting married
command the center of attention. It is wholly appropriate to let them share their joy, express their vows, laugh and celebrate
however they wish.
DEPORTMENT TIPS
Photo: Cactus flower; credit: Paolo Neo
Here are a few absolute no-nos if you plan to attend a GLBT marriage ceremony. They could also apply
to heterosexual weddings. These are considered as
worse than just impolite in any company: smirking, nasty comments, heckling, groaning, spitting in disgust,
and wise cracks about the people getting married or anyone in attendance.
Asking about the couple's sexual life is exceedingly inappropriate. Drunken outbursts, especially with
commentary of a
religious or political nature, will result in your being kindly asked to depart the premises.
Try your best not to judge anything or anyone, rather accept things as they are.
If by chance you were omitted from the couple's guest list, but see an announcement in the paper,
it could be they had certain limitations or too many names to remember. If you suspect you were mistakenly
excluded, contact the couple or a family member to discuss it. Whatever the reason, don't take it personally
if you aren't invited. Good etiquette would dictate you send a congratulatory card no matter the oversight.
Most people who are invited to witness a marriage are trusted by the couple. So it's unlikely you would
enact or see any negative behaviors. More likely, you will find yourself smiling, admiring the handsome couple,
enjoying the strains of a Celtic harp, or a sappy Beatles love song. You'll be caught up in what is being
expressed as the love two people have for one another. You'll feast and light candles and toast the happy duo.
And when you depart, maybe you will remember that "love is all you need."
REFERENCES AND RESOURCES
